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"No" is a small word that can
have a lot of positive impact, depending
on how you say it. In fact, there are several
different ways and degrees of saying "no" effectively.
You may want to opt for one approach over
another depending on who you're addressing
— a co-worker, for example, as opposed
to your boss. You also want to consider what
it will "cost" you to use one approach
vs. another.
"You always have to ask yourself a
question before making an assertive response
— 'Is it worth it?' " said Dr.
Linda Tillman, an Atlanta psychologist and
assertiveness
training coach. "It could be very costly
to say 'no' unequivocally
to a boss, but probably less costly to turn
down a co-worker."
As you prepare for an assertive interaction,
it's helpful to use a few nonverbal assertiveness
cues as well. Make sure your voice is firm
and direct. Look into the other person's
eyes as you say, "No." Even shake
your head "No" as you say, "No," which
will help you feel more of a conviction about
it.
Among the different ways of saying "no" are:
- Saying "no" unequivocally. There's no mistaking your meaning when
you say, "No,
I won't be able to do that." If you're
addressing your boss, you might add that
you want to do a good job, and so you can
only take on a certain number of tasks.
- Saying "no" with limits. This
is a milder way of saying "no." You
can say that you understand that the person
is asking you to do x, y and z, but you're
very busy right now and you'd like to be
able to do a good job, so you can do x, but
you won't be able to do y and z. This is
especially useful in dealing with a boss.
- Saying "no" while delegating.
Indicate that you won't be able to do x,
but that you think you can find someone who
will — and then delegate it. Don't feel that
if you don't do something it won't get done
well.
- Empathic "no." Acknowledge the
other person's feelings without being apologetic,
just factual: "I know you're under a
lot of pressure and I know how important
it is to you to get this done by first thing
tomorrow. I also understand how important
this is for the team." The empathic "no" can
form a good basis for respectful negotiations,
but don't agree to more than you can do.
If you are unsure about whether or not you
should agree to do something, it's perfectly
legitimate to ask for time to think it over.
However, be sincere and really do think about
it. Also, be sure to give the other person
a deadline: "I can get back to you tomorrow
at 2." While you're thinking it over,
remind yourself that the decision is entirely
up to you.
Sources: Dr. Linda Tillman, http://www.mindspring.com
/~ltillman/ or
www.speakupforyourself.com
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Mary had been raised to acquiesce. A 35-year-old
sweet, Southern belle, she never, ever refused
a task from her demanding boss even though her
workload regularly overwhelmed her. Typically
unable to voice her true feelings, once she even
caught herself verbally agreeing to a new project
while shaking her head in disagreement. And the
stress of never being able to stand up for herself
was getting to her. For months she had been suffering
from bouts of insomnia.
Sound familiar? The inability to assert oneself
in the workplace isn't confined to Southern belles.
It's endemic to corporate America, according to
Dr. Linda Tillman, an Atlanta psychologist and
assertiveness training coach. Yet, there are tried
and true techniques for respectfully setting limits,
and gaining not only more self-respect
but the respect of your boss and co-workers. (See
Side Story.)
Tillman, who eventually helped Mary gently but
firmly assert herself with her boss, said the
ability to say "no," or to say "no" in
an assertive rather than an aggressive way, affects
men as well as women in all parts of the country.
"Every day I see people who have issues
with authority figures and who are scared to death
— more so than in the old days," said Tillman,
who has been teaching assertiveness training for
the past 20 years, including onsite workshops
at the Center for Disease Control and her own
Web site (See below).
Among the pressures, she said, is the constant
threat of being down-sized. With layoffs hitting
an average 2 million per year, too much is on
the line all the time. "There's a lot more
pressure that challenges our ability to be confident
in the workplace," Tillman said.
For women, the reasons may go even deeper. Many
women are trained from childhood to become people
pleasers and to take on more and more tasks rather
than delegate. "No" begins to drop from
their vocabulary and is replaced with the sense
that using the two-letter word can cost them a
lot in their adult lives. Yet, that approach tends
to backfire in a corporate setting, especially
in managerial positions.
For men, the problem can be the reverse — being
too aggressive rather than respectfully assertive.
Yet, in a given situation, men can also experience
their share of difficulty being assertive. Enrollment
in her assertiveness workshops, Tillman said,
tends to be about 1/3 male and 2/3 female.
So, what is assertiveness vs. aggression? It
all boils down to r-e-s-p-e-c-t, experts say.
When you're assertive, you feel respect for yourself
as well as for the other person in the interaction.
Assertiveness is a way to ask for what you need,
state difficult feelings such as anger or disappointment
and negotiate well with others. An assertive "no" is
very simple. You can simply say: "No, I won't
be able to help with that." You can add a
short explanation: "I already have a meeting
planned for Wednesday." But, avoid adding
a lot of weak excuses and rationalizations, which
can make you look overly apologetic.
An aggressive "no" includes contempt
— it's communication without respect: "Are
you kidding? Me, meet with that vendor while you're
out of town?" It can even include an attack
on the person: "You must be out of your mind.
I couldn't take on a project that boring!"
Most of us have had experiences with both kinds
of interactions. While being successfully assertive
can leave us feeling strong and relaxed as we
go about our work, aggression tends to create
feelings of frustration and stress and can even
lead to performance problems. In fact, strained
relations between employees rather than inadequacies
in employees' skills or motivation is one of the
biggest contributors to poor performance, experts
say.
"If people can't come to an agreement or
work in a mutually respectful way, then obviously
they're not going to build good relationships
— and that's the most important thing to
productivity," said
Jeremy Eskenazi, a Long Beach-based human resource
consultant.
In fact, an ability to confront a co-worker or
boss when necessary is key to a productive relationship: “You
might not win all the time, and you might not
be looked on favorably by everyone when you push
back, but that’s OK because you’re
building credibility,” Eskenazi said. “In
order to be seen as part of the business, as playing
a strategic role, you have to be able to take
a stand.”
As you go about working on your own techniques
for being respectfully assertive, remember that
saying "no" is not only self-respectful,
but respectful of the other party. It honors the
other person and respects their needs enough to
be honest, Tillman said.
"If I say 'yes' to something that I really
want to say 'no' to, then I'm going to feel resentful
later and I'm not going to be able to do a good
job," she said. "Saying 'no' sets healthy
limits. I encourage people to say 'no' to something
every day."
Sources: Dr. Linda Tillman, http://www.mindspring.com/~ltillman/ or
www.speakupforyourself.com
Jeremy Eskenazi, www.rivieraadvisors.com
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