Bitten by the Office Love Bug

For the past three months, Melissa hasn't been able to get John out of her mind. Every time they work together on a project, they're all giggles and smiles. Whenever he's not at work, she gets depressed. Her employers have even asked her if something is wrong. Melissa has tried to keep her feelings about John to herself while she works on getting transferred to another department. But she finds it more and more difficult.

"I've tried to forget about him and concentrate more on my work, but it's impossible," she said. "I really don't know whether I should make my feelings apparent. I don't want things to get awkward at work, but I can't stop thinking about this guy."

Dealing with romantic feelings for a fellow employee is one of the biggest work challenges you can face. If you find yourself struggling to get control of yourself, you're not alone. By some estimates, 20 million workplace romances are taking place right now in the United States.

THE GOOD

Many office romances actually succeed. In fact, 44 percent of workplace romances end with a marriage according to the American Management Association and many others end in long-term commitments.

In a lot of ways, it makes sense. To start with, employees share a common interest in their work. They also have an on-the-job chance to grow and learn about each other's attributes such as honesty, fairness, responsibility and the ability to deal with stress.

If handled correctly, workplace romances can result in little impact on the workplace as well as lasting happiness for two coworkers. Some companies even consider work romances to be a bonus because happy workers tend to be more productive and have fewer health issues.

THE BAD

The downside, however, is that an office romance puts not only your heart, but your job on the line. If, for example, the object of your affections doesn't return your feelings, the situation can become awkward for both of you. Even if the feelings are mutual, it can still be messy if the situation is handled poorly.

"It's rife with hazards," said Jill Bremer, an etiquette and image consultant for the Oak Park, Ill.-based image consulting firm Bremer Communications (www.bremercommunications.com). "It can affect how people view you as a professional as well as how you perform."

The constant togetherness - both at work and outside of work - can create friction, which can spill over into the work relationship. Flirting is also fairly common at work. If a couple keeps a low profile about their relationship, it's possible that one or the other party may become the target of someone else's flirting. And that could create tension all the way around.

THE UGLY

One of the biggest pitfalls is the potential for conflicts of interest, especially when dating a subordinate. Accusations of favoritism, for example, and even charges of sexual harassment can start to fly.

"If it involves one's manager, it could put her career in jeopardy," said Gail Jern,

Westaff Human Resources Manager, "or if it gets out of hand, it could cost an employee his job. So my advice is that in general, in the interests of your career and your sanity, it's probably a good idea to try and transfer to another department. If that's not possible, then one party might want to look at employment elsewhere."

In some worst cases, an indiscreet manager can open herself up for blackmail. Or, after a bad break up, emotional stress may even lead an employee to lash out violently.

But even if it never gets that ugly, working with a former lover can be pretty unpleasant. Who wants to spend their work day avoiding a former flame or skipping a holiday party because your old beau may be there with a new girlfriend?

KEEPING IT SANE

If after all of these considerations, you still think a romance with a coworker is worth it, then here are some other points to consider.

First, no matter how gaga you are about the person, go slowly and be discreet.

"You have to understand that you can't revert to high school behavior," Bremer said. "That means no passing notes or whispering with your girlfriends at the water cooler. You have to take the relationship completely out of the workplace, outside the building. You also have to be an actor. No goo-goo eyes. You have to put a mask on and do your work. Always remember you have a job to do. That's why you're there."

If the object of your desires is not receptive to an advance from you, then you should end it there. Never pester or you could be opening yourself up to a charge of sexual harassment. If she does agree to meet with you, then meet well away from the office and out of work hours. Never feed the rumor mill.

Finally, if things don't work out, be the bigger person. Resist revenge. You can burn his photos at home, but don't succumb to the urge to tell everyone what a lousy boyfriend he was. You'll only make yourself look tacky. Instead, be as pleasant and cheery as you can manage. Signal to everyone, including him, that you're over it - even if you're not.